Funny facebook statuses

It was only recently that I realised that my hilariously funny facebook statuses were only being seen by my friends and I was depriving the worldwide community!

I’ve copied and pasted a few from the last year in here for your amusement:

• Adam Lewis slept like a baby. I wet myself and woke up crying.
• Adam Lewis might be paranoid, but I’m closing my twitter account, I’m pretty sure people are following me!
• Adam Lewis has ordered 5 different toppings on his Domino’s pizza which means he has successfully completed his 5-a-day requirement.
• Adam Lewis has lost his voice; a tragedy to society.
• Adam Lewis has spent the day putting the pro in procrastination…
• Adam Lewis is a cross dresser. I got really angry putting on my t-shirt this morning.
• Adam Lewis Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
• Adam Lewis wishes he was as happy as people in laxative and tampon adverts.
• Adam Lewis knows why Uhura left Star Trek. Because William Shatner.
• Adam Lewis rang claims direct this morning, but apparently they don’t cover “that sort of accident”.
• Adam Lewis just ate a ploughman’s lunch. He looks very unhappy about it. Think I’d better leave.
• Adam Lewis was at the vets today and he told me that he’d have to put my dog down! Fair enough though, she is pretty heavy.
• Adam Lewis has a book coming out tomorrow. Shouldn’t have eaten it really.
• Adam Lewis went to blockbusters today to rent “Batman Forever”, but they said I have to bring him back Friday 🙁
• Adam Lewis went window shopping today, bought 5 windows.
• Adam Lewis One door closes another one opens, which is fine, but I’ve been trying to lock the house up for an hour now.
• Adam Lewis feels really clever as he just finished his jigsaw in 2 months, the box said 2-4 years!
• Adam Lewis lives in his own little world, but it’s okay, they know me here.
• Adam Lewis has been teaching the dog how to heel tonight. Seems to have worked, my sore throat has cleared up.
• Adam Lewis doesn’t have dandruff, just great looking hair.
• Adam Lewis failed his English exam today which he thought was unpossible!
• Adam Lewis thinks the glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.
• Adam Lewis computer just beat him at chess, but I beat it at kick boxing.
• Adam Lewis is confused about the tap on the door this morning. Not sure what my plumber thinks he’s doing?
• Adam Lewis Tried a new martial arts yesterday, the instructor asked “How flexible are you?”, so I replied “I can’t do Mondays”.
• Adam Lewis doesn’t judge a man until he’s walked a mile in his shoes. Then I can say what I want; I’m a mile away and I’ve got his shoes.
• Adam Lewis just answered the phone and asked “Who’s speaking please?”, the voice replied “You are”.
• Adam Lewis is watching the “Dog Whisperer”, but I’ve had to put the subtitles on!
• Adam Lewis is reading a really good book called “The history of glue”, I just can’t put it down.
• Adam Lewis just found a bit of playdough. I’m not sure what to make of it.
• Adam Lewis thinks a rich man is just the same as a poor man, but with a great deal more money.
• Adam Lewis just saw a snowman with a hot water bottle on his head and a suicide note in his hand.
• Adam Lewis is amazed: Today a tramp told me he hadn’t eaten in 4 days, I wish I had his willpower.
• Adam LewisToday, the same tramp came up to me and asked if I had 10p for a cup of tea. I replied: “Of course I have”. I mean, what a f’ing stupid question. As it happens, I had around 2 pounds on me, so I had some chips as well, very satisfying.
• Adam Lewis thinks retrospectively that those WERE the droids he was looking for.
• Adam Lewis thinks hypochondriacs make me sick!

There are more, but I’m bored now.